1st Anniversary of Mom's Death

Been a while since I wrote last. Summer was fun, green and beautiful. Managed to plant a garden, get to the lake and work some hours. Been holding together relatively well, Dodger has been keeping me together. I'm even trying to figure where I am going in life in the future to move on.

We got Mom and Dad's house sold, I found the buyer, and my sister did an excellent job as executor to settle the estate.

But, now the first year comes up for Mom being gone in a week or so. September 25th. That was the worst day of my life last year.

Found myself with the wave of grief hitting last Monday. I had been doing so well for a while, and then, boom, it hit like a tidal wave again.

A letter came from Mayo Clinic with a questionnaire in it about Mom's care there where she died, since I was listed as my Mom's caregiver. I didn't want to deal with it, it just opened up the wound again. I filled it out, and then wrote a letter to supplement it because I was there for the whole week with her. After that I started to cry like a dopey kid. I realized I had just relived my mother's death all over again. Oh God, not again!  I thought I was through with all this instant replay and can go on?

So, I got an idea.  So, I did what my Mom would want me to do. I tore all the paper up, burned it in the backyard in the grill, and the deleted the letter on the computer. Then I drove to a nearby town and went to an outdoor restaurant and ordered a wine, and a LARGE Shrimp Cocktail like she liked.  I toasted the skyward heavens to my Mom and Dad. It helped.

That night I also opened the other mail I had missed. It was the fourth booklet from the church- the Stephen Ministers grief books they have sent throughout the year. I found my reaction that day is normal and they will hit like tidal waves off and on in the future. My crying is my healing, letting it all out.

I saw an old interview of Mae West talking to Dick Cavett about the death of her parents in one year in 1930. She said it took her three years to recover and get her life back from the grief. Wow, a tough broad like Mae West saying that, it helped me realize it just takes time and everyone is different on grief. Mae West recovered, and I will too.

This week they placed the Army plague at my parent's grave for my Dad. My little brother and I got that from the Dept of Veterans Affairs.  In my weekly ritual of watering the flowers at the grave, I took a picture. I saluted his plague, as he served in World War 2. 

It will just take time, and I am better than I was a year ago. I miss them terribly, but know, they are with me, and I have to go on.

onward and upward...